Wow...
Today, scratch that.... right now.... I feel completely out of control. My problem is... the ways that I used to control my "situations" were extremely unhealthy, self sabotaging even. I wont go into long drawn out details.. IF anyone cares to know the whole story I would happy to chat but I doubt anyone is interested. I have to say tho... for the first time in my life, I am identifying that I am out of control, I am standing at the top of this roller coaster... looking down and choosing not to let loose.
With the knowledge of Grace and God's Mercy, the Love of my family and support from my church, I know I can do this. I have to make a choice, every minute not to be consumed and controlled by my circumstance. And when I fall down I have to pick myself back up and start again...and again...and again
but I can
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
i learned alot today
I was at work, nothing out of the ordinary. Met with a client and ended up in a discussion about church. the week prior he notices the web address to Lifepoint365.com that is on my drivers side car window. This is funny because, I am not a very bold person when it comes to witnessing about Jesus. I put the sticker on backwards on purpose, always said "If someone asks me why, I could tell them about Jesus". Well, I got put to the test today:
My patient revealed to me that he had begun to go to a church that was in walking distance. He stated for the longest time he just sat there, never hearing a word of the sermon. "I was so overwhelmed with guilt and shame" "I have a whole life full of mistakes and bad choices to deal with. I know there is a heaven and a hell and I know I'm first in line for hell." He proceeded to ask me about salvation. ""how do I know I am saved? What does it feel like? and so on. He stated he believed in God and Jesus and that he died to save us. He then just said, I don't know if I am saved or not. I got cleaned up, now I got to get religion and make something out of the rest of my life"
We engaged in a beautiful discussion about mercy and grace and how running to an altar makes you no more saved than asking Jesus into your heart to forgive you while you lye in bed alone. I just simply said, you don't need to get "religion" , salvation is a process that happens 1 on 1, you and God. I gave an example of a prayer. I don't know that he said it and applied it to his self. I encouraged him to keep going to church and to ask questions about things he didn't understand.
We talked about the fact that salvation may seem magical but is far from magic. And that just because you make the choice of salvation, struggles and behaviors and attitudes take time to transform into Christ-like ways. The key is to get back up when you fall and admit that you need forgiveness.
Today, God blessed me. He gave me the right words to answer the questions asked of me. And I was reminded that God's Grace is huge! All of the junk in my trunk is history because I asked Him to forgive me and to help me learn to be more like Jesus.
My patient revealed to me that he had begun to go to a church that was in walking distance. He stated for the longest time he just sat there, never hearing a word of the sermon. "I was so overwhelmed with guilt and shame" "I have a whole life full of mistakes and bad choices to deal with. I know there is a heaven and a hell and I know I'm first in line for hell." He proceeded to ask me about salvation. ""how do I know I am saved? What does it feel like? and so on. He stated he believed in God and Jesus and that he died to save us. He then just said, I don't know if I am saved or not. I got cleaned up, now I got to get religion and make something out of the rest of my life"
We engaged in a beautiful discussion about mercy and grace and how running to an altar makes you no more saved than asking Jesus into your heart to forgive you while you lye in bed alone. I just simply said, you don't need to get "religion" , salvation is a process that happens 1 on 1, you and God. I gave an example of a prayer. I don't know that he said it and applied it to his self. I encouraged him to keep going to church and to ask questions about things he didn't understand.
We talked about the fact that salvation may seem magical but is far from magic. And that just because you make the choice of salvation, struggles and behaviors and attitudes take time to transform into Christ-like ways. The key is to get back up when you fall and admit that you need forgiveness.
Today, God blessed me. He gave me the right words to answer the questions asked of me. And I was reminded that God's Grace is huge! All of the junk in my trunk is history because I asked Him to forgive me and to help me learn to be more like Jesus.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
What exactly defines church
A very interesting person I follow on twitter, jackalopekid, posted a question about whether people feel it is OK to miss church for sports. I'll post the link....
http://jackalopekid.com/which-one/
here was my response:
Here is my take, my kids aren’t old enough to be in any “sports”, regardless, What if you have my view of things. I think everywhere is church, I don’t think you can confine church to a building, place or time. Who is to say you can’t “be the Church” to someone at a sporting event, band concert, at work, at school at your local fave place to eat or whatever. There are millions of people who NEVER go to church. Be Jesus too someone, somewhere, anywhere.
I'm not saying that gathering with other believers at Church isn't important, but "The Church" also needs to be creative so that all those people who never go, hear about the Love, Mercy and Grace that comes from Jesus.
What do you think?
http://jackalopekid.com/which-one/
here was my response:
Here is my take, my kids aren’t old enough to be in any “sports”, regardless, What if you have my view of things. I think everywhere is church, I don’t think you can confine church to a building, place or time. Who is to say you can’t “be the Church” to someone at a sporting event, band concert, at work, at school at your local fave place to eat or whatever. There are millions of people who NEVER go to church. Be Jesus too someone, somewhere, anywhere.
I'm not saying that gathering with other believers at Church isn't important, but "The Church" also needs to be creative so that all those people who never go, hear about the Love, Mercy and Grace that comes from Jesus.
What do you think?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Light
The absence of darkness.
Your word is a Lamp unto my feet and a Light unto my path. Lord guide my path this and every day.
Your word is a Lamp unto my feet and a Light unto my path. Lord guide my path this and every day.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Relationships
Man, do I need to write the book on how to jack that up entirely. My whole life has been shaped and molded by the relationships that have been played out in front of me (Well I am not unique there by any means I suppose). That is how we learn, through examples.
I am a well educated, somewhat opinionated and logical person. How does my life end up like the mess when my 22 month old eats spaghetti for dinner? I found myself in a discussion with Bella's dad, my boyfriend for no better terms, tonight about plans and goals. Let me say this, ADD thought needed to aid in comprehension here: prior to meeting him, I was in a very "not pretty place" pills, drinks, randomness of all kinds imaginable. OK... so we meet at a bar, yes a bar..... never meant to get a return call...... and here nearly four years later, he is the father of four wonderful children, his mine and ours. My life has changed significantly. If I went into my past, it would take chapters, I believe that God sent me my first born to save my life. With the things I have done, I never deserved a love like that. My son's father hung himself, Mikey never met him. My BF has been around since my son has been six months old. I believe my BF was sent into my life to help me break the ties that I had to my old self. If it weren't for him, I don't know that I could have changed my ways. I have always been against marriage until I knew It was from God. That is why I am not married right now. I changed, I have plans and goals and I want my life to be an example for my children, (And his for that matter). Herein lies the issue..... I am so wanting to do the right thing here. I stayed with a previous man because of the relationship I had with his daughter and it was emotionally BAD. I stayed about 6 years too long. I was "happy being alone" so I thought living my reckless life. My current BF is the next serious relationship I had since then. And sometimes I think it is the same situation. EXCEPT, he is very good to me and the kids. He has a very tender heart and and I know beyond a doubt that he loves us. I know that his children mean the world to him. I know that he has a jaded past as well. It amazes me how two completely polar opposite worlds can collide. But after recent studies, I don't much believe in randomness and chaos anymore.
I let music influence me, music is my "thing" Sanctus Real sings a song i will copy & paste the lyrics (GREAT BAND BTW)
Don't Give Up lyrics
I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up
Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?
[Chorus:]
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you
Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?
[Chorus:]
Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love
I don't wanna keep moving on... I am so tired of not knowing. I don't want to give up. I want to do the right thing but I want to be smart enough to know when to surrender.
There is also another song that touches me immensely and is the cry of my heart for young girls everywhere. ill post the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM
There is a line in there that says "You'll find a man that's' true and will treat you like the jewel you are"
God, this is my prayer tonight. That as many Girls, and yes I mean girls, know that true love is out there and that they can avoid all my drama and heartaches by trusting that You have a plan for them. I was eleven years old when I fed into the lies about love. God, use my story, use these songs & theses artisits, use your word to spread Truth to everyone. Thank You and father please... keep saving me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aP_H5EJLUc
I am a well educated, somewhat opinionated and logical person. How does my life end up like the mess when my 22 month old eats spaghetti for dinner? I found myself in a discussion with Bella's dad, my boyfriend for no better terms, tonight about plans and goals. Let me say this, ADD thought needed to aid in comprehension here: prior to meeting him, I was in a very "not pretty place" pills, drinks, randomness of all kinds imaginable. OK... so we meet at a bar, yes a bar..... never meant to get a return call...... and here nearly four years later, he is the father of four wonderful children, his mine and ours. My life has changed significantly. If I went into my past, it would take chapters, I believe that God sent me my first born to save my life. With the things I have done, I never deserved a love like that. My son's father hung himself, Mikey never met him. My BF has been around since my son has been six months old. I believe my BF was sent into my life to help me break the ties that I had to my old self. If it weren't for him, I don't know that I could have changed my ways. I have always been against marriage until I knew It was from God. That is why I am not married right now. I changed, I have plans and goals and I want my life to be an example for my children, (And his for that matter). Herein lies the issue..... I am so wanting to do the right thing here. I stayed with a previous man because of the relationship I had with his daughter and it was emotionally BAD. I stayed about 6 years too long. I was "happy being alone" so I thought living my reckless life. My current BF is the next serious relationship I had since then. And sometimes I think it is the same situation. EXCEPT, he is very good to me and the kids. He has a very tender heart and and I know beyond a doubt that he loves us. I know that his children mean the world to him. I know that he has a jaded past as well. It amazes me how two completely polar opposite worlds can collide. But after recent studies, I don't much believe in randomness and chaos anymore.
I let music influence me, music is my "thing" Sanctus Real sings a song i will copy & paste the lyrics (GREAT BAND BTW)
Don't Give Up lyrics
I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up
Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?
[Chorus:]
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you
Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?
[Chorus:]
Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love
I don't wanna keep moving on... I am so tired of not knowing. I don't want to give up. I want to do the right thing but I want to be smart enough to know when to surrender.
There is also another song that touches me immensely and is the cry of my heart for young girls everywhere. ill post the link to the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXSkd8apbWM
There is a line in there that says "You'll find a man that's' true and will treat you like the jewel you are"
God, this is my prayer tonight. That as many Girls, and yes I mean girls, know that true love is out there and that they can avoid all my drama and heartaches by trusting that You have a plan for them. I was eleven years old when I fed into the lies about love. God, use my story, use these songs & theses artisits, use your word to spread Truth to everyone. Thank You and father please... keep saving me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aP_H5EJLUc
Sunday, August 16, 2009
insomnia
the worst thing that a person can do for themselves is not get enough sleep... no wonder I am such a hot mess huh?
Monday, August 10, 2009
What do Dreams tell us?
The Bible defines a dream in Job 33:15, "In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men, in slumberings upon the bed.
The scripture is Acts 2:17
AND IT SHALL COME TO PASS IN THE LAST DAYS, SAITH GOD, I WILL POUR OUT MY SPIRIT ON ALL FLESH: AND YOUR SONS AND YOUR DAUGHTERS SHALL PROPHESY, AND YOUR YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, AND YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS
I always have very vivid dreams and wish I could have someone interpret them for me. For ONCE... I got this one. The other night I dreamed that it was any given Sunday at Life Point Church (lifepoint365.com for those who care to check it out). There were multiple people from my past there. From elder women who have been an example to me: My mother, My sisters & brother in laws, JoAnn Imboden, Mrs. Cassens, Opal Compton, Rev Jeff Smith & his wife Janet. There were past coworkers, old boyfriends, friends who have died, bad friends, good friends, rivals, role models, bikers from frequented bars of days in the past, you name it.
To understand you must know we meet in a movie theater, stadium seating. During praise and worship I was high in the rows of seats, singing my heart out. Someone handed me a microphone and sent me to the stage..... the mic was quickly turned off.. funny stuff, cuz I know I like karaoke, but no one said I was good.
I woke up with an amazing smile. I can just picture that Heaven will be like that, all people, no matter where they have been, what walks their lives lead them on, all in one place with one voice. with no microphones needed. God doesn't care about pitch, but the intentions of the heart. Praise is a wonderful thing. And I for one cannot wait to join the "chorus of this world". And I want EVERYONE to be there with me!
The scripture is Acts 2:17
AND IT SHALL COME TO PASS IN THE LAST DAYS, SAITH GOD, I WILL POUR OUT MY SPIRIT ON ALL FLESH: AND YOUR SONS AND YOUR DAUGHTERS SHALL PROPHESY, AND YOUR YOUNG MEN SHALL SEE VISIONS, AND YOUR OLD MEN SHALL DREAM DREAMS
I always have very vivid dreams and wish I could have someone interpret them for me. For ONCE... I got this one. The other night I dreamed that it was any given Sunday at Life Point Church (lifepoint365.com for those who care to check it out). There were multiple people from my past there. From elder women who have been an example to me: My mother, My sisters & brother in laws, JoAnn Imboden, Mrs. Cassens, Opal Compton, Rev Jeff Smith & his wife Janet. There were past coworkers, old boyfriends, friends who have died, bad friends, good friends, rivals, role models, bikers from frequented bars of days in the past, you name it.
To understand you must know we meet in a movie theater, stadium seating. During praise and worship I was high in the rows of seats, singing my heart out. Someone handed me a microphone and sent me to the stage..... the mic was quickly turned off.. funny stuff, cuz I know I like karaoke, but no one said I was good.
I woke up with an amazing smile. I can just picture that Heaven will be like that, all people, no matter where they have been, what walks their lives lead them on, all in one place with one voice. with no microphones needed. God doesn't care about pitch, but the intentions of the heart. Praise is a wonderful thing. And I for one cannot wait to join the "chorus of this world". And I want EVERYONE to be there with me!
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